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Changing Seats




Ever since the move I've been stuck with crappy seats on the train. In the mornings, Tarrytown is the last stop before Grand Central and the crowd waiting on the platform is huge - hundreds easily. And when the train arrives, everyone pushes and shoves to be the first on board, scrambling for the all-hallowed window seat. I occasionally am lucky enough to procure one of these seat, but it never fails that it's facing the wrong direction...looking back instead of forward. I can't explain why this bothers me so much, but it's been a thorn for the last year - for as long as I've been taking the Metro North.

When I do end up with one of the backward seats I find I'm always trying to rationalize that a window is a window...at least there's something to look at. I should be happy that I'm not stuck staring at the back of someone's head or the seat in front of me. I can see the river, the bridges and the cliffs across the way...

But reasoning with myself never works. I still get icked-out that I'm facing the wrong way. And I've always wondered...

Why the HELL is that???

Then today, after I was seated in one of these seats, and as I sat watching the world passing me by in reverse, I think I figured out why I hate it so much.

I like seeing where I'm headed, not where I've been.
I like seeing what awaits me, not what I'm leaving behind.
I like feeling that I'm moving towards something, not stuck moving backwards.

And the bigger question I asked myself was...

If I physically must sit where I can see what lies before me...why do I mentally spend so much time facing backwards...wallowing in the past...not seeing what's ahead - making even the present a peripheral blur until it, too, passes me be...in reverse.

Neither lived, nor enjoyed, but reflected upon like a distant movie.

Time is carrying me forward, yet I continue looking back.
Never seeing the sun rising upon me because I'm focused on the memories of where it has set.

I think its time to take another seat on this train.

Comments

Anonymous said…
pooh hun,
i think you need to write this on paper and post it where you will read it daily...not all of it just a short version, maybe by the mirror so every morning you can look at your self and remind yourself, speaking out loud...to not worry or think of the past but to look forward to the future...along with that tell your self in the mirror that today is going to be great...then at the end of the day make yourself find at least one good thing about the day and think only about that!

*smile*

i hope that it will help with your depression, i know how much depression sucks, i was trapped in it for years as a teen. Try this, and let me know if it helps any. Do it daily for two weeks and then see if you feel any relief...i think you will!

*smiles*
big big hugs
9/01/2006 8:44 PM
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