The Dwindling Someday

There are times when I am reminded most that I am 35, single and childless. Today for instance, while enjoying a slice of cheese pizza at the mall, I glanced over at the table next to me to see a woman with three little girls...probably ages 2, 3 and 5ish. I tried not to stare but the truth is, I had never seen such a beautiful family...such gorgeous girls. It was the youngest that tugged at my heart strings. Her pudgy little baby face, her huge blue eyes, and the two itty bitty pig tails poking out the top of her head.

I decided right then that I want my first child to be a girl.

*sigh*

Someday

But how much "someday" do i really have left?

This is Not a Love Story...It's a Story About Love...

"This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story...It's a story about love."

Movies like this do not come along often. Since I wrote that entry (god, so many years ago!), I could probably count on one had the number of movies I've seen which have had such a profound affect on me. In the instance of Clerks II, Kevin Smith's ability to so perfectly capture in so few words the very essence of human nature, caused me to stop and reflect on my failures in the dating world.

I don't often have those Ah-Ha moments, but when they do happen...I stop and take note. And in this instance, it was of the men in my past to whom I have tried so desperately to prove that I am not another example of the stereotype they have been taught to believe in. But that is not what I wish to rehash. The words are already there if you so choose to read.

Today, my heart is with 500 Days of Summer.

For the first three quarters of this movie, I found myself sitting in total awe, believing I was witnessing one of the best movies ever made. The brilliant use of timeline to piece together the story in a nonlinear fashion...the dialogue written not quite as brilliantly as anything Kevin Smith does but still more true and honest than 99% of the crap out there...and that scene...that one amazing scene of Expectations vs. Reality...the dream he still held onto vs the reality he experienced.

But then that last quarter struck so close to home it became too hard to watch. He, the oh-so-in-love man, realizing that while she was his The One... no matter what he did, or how hard he tried, he would never be the one for her. It was hard to watch this less than happy ending...but then that's the way it's meant to be...a snapshot of true life, of relationships in this age where two people come together and one inevitable loves the other so much more that the other is scared and pushed away...and sometimes, pushed right into the arms of the one that truly IS the one for them.

In the movie, Tom believes in love. He believes he's found it with Summer...and for 500 Days, she becomes a crucial part of life for him.

Yet on day 499, when they find themselves sitting next to each other on a park bench, Tom

(whose faith in love has waivered) tells Summer (now married to another man) that he was wrong about love...there there isn't a One out there for him.

Summer's response?

"You weren't wrong, Tom....you were just wrong about me."

I thought I would have to walk out at that moment...my heart twisted and pulled its way into my gut.

And there it was (Ah-Ha)...

The moment which ripped through me and forced me to open up old wounds and study myself yet again.

I don't want to be wrong any more...

When will the day come that I will...finally...be right?

Come Back to Me

I quit facebook.

Well, I didn't quit...I'm just taking a hiatus.
The constant reminder every time I log on...the "A is now listed as single" which pops up every singe day is more than I can bare right now. I thought it would be gone in a few hours, at the most a day but even as of this morning there it was, slapping me in the face with all its bitter truth.

Also I realized that all my status updates of late were dark and getting darker - and I do not see it letting up any time soon. I decided that rather than subject my facebook friends to my melodramatic, woeful moods, I would focus instead on working through my issues here.

I have to say though that I am amazed sometimes at just how perfectly my life comes full circle at regular intervals. I wrote this in 2006 when I was first falling in love with the Music Man...and now, three full years later I find myself in the exact same situation. More so than that, this post also shocked me with how it is precisely the same situation as now. Am I stuck on repeat somehow? Am I living some sort of hell where I'm forced to relive situations over and over again? Why can't I get out of these cycles?!

That said, let me add that there is something moving and uncanny about the lyrical beauty of music and its ability to capture perfectly all that we are trying to say. It happened again today with a new song. Driving home from the gym, David's Cook's song "Come Back to Me" came on and I was flabbergasted with just how much that song mirrors my current situation. Much like K.J.'s gorgeous lyrics, his song reduced me to tears on the way home. Why can't I get over him? I don't know if I should let go and give up all hope of a reconciliation or stand my ground and retain that final shred of hope for us that gets me out of bed each morning.

I heard that song and immediately thought I would come home and draft an email to the Music Man or a really moving blog post. But eventually I decided to stop here because in my own words, "It's hard to compose for someone when you know the perfect words already exist."
.

COME BACK TO ME
David Cook
_______________

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me


(Come back to me A...I miss you)

Rambling Sadness

So far it's been hardest in the mornings...those first few moments when my eyes open, my dreams retreat back into the fog and reality once again pierces my heart. Today however has been different. I awoke in good spirits. I laughed in the car with the niece and nephew (who I am watching until Thursday morning) as we drove to their Ta-Paw's house. I floated around at work on a high - excited about the cruise I've decided to take to escape this sadness. I realized that since I will no longer be going to California to visit the Music Man (I do not yet have the heart to refer to him as my "Ex"...even thinking such brings much pain) I will now use that week to do something amazing and spiritual for myself.

So the idea of the cruise has had me excited all day until now. This evening it seems all the sadness I've held back for the last 12 hours has managed to break through the barrier and drown me. I'm thinking about the beaches I will not be walking hand-in-hand with him on, the Myan ruins I will not be seeing with him, the snorkeling and coral reef exploration that he will be so visibly absent from. I feel like there is so much I never got to do with him. And now in this moment the day catches up to me and I'm crushed yet again. I don't want to roll over tonight and be afraid to touch his side of the bed. God I miss him so much. I ache desperately to hear his voice, to feel his touch, to kiss his tender lips.

I hate that morning has come so late today. But truthfully, its so much easier to fall asleep from sadness than it is to wake up into it.

Someone please tell me when this heartache ends.
I miss you.
I love you.

A Moment of Zen

I had a moment today.

A much welcomed escape from the heartache of the past few.

Returning home from a movie,
the 12 year old nephew beside me,
the 7 year old niece in the backseat.
The sky was blue and beautiful.
The weather warm but not draining.
Inside I was in turmoil.
Fighting to smile so no one knew
but needing the release of tears and solitude.

Nathan cranks the radio and I hear a song I love...
Lyrics I know that will hurt but still the infectious beat fills me up.
Then a little voice from the back seat
In perfect time and harmony with the song
At the top of her lungs begins to sing

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love"

The nephew joins in, followed by mom
And me listening in silence to the beauty of the moment
A long needed smile on my face
And tears in my eyes hidden by the dark sunglasses I wore...just in case.
If I had not been driving I would've leaned my head back on the seat
Absorbing the sun....
and a 7 year old's ability

...to make it all go away.....


I'm Yours By Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
I love peace for melody
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

My Biggest Fear

“When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you” ~ Unknown

I read this today and realized
my biggest fear is not forgetting you...
...but rather you forgetting me.

Forgetting

I had a moment today when I didn't hurt.
I forgot about you and me and the us that no longer exists.
But then a funny thing happened,
The realization that I had escaped the hurt, however briefly,
left me hurting more.

For as much as I sob and cry and scream in silence...
I do not want the pain to stop.
Because once it does
It means I have moved on.
And I do not want to move on from you.
My Gentle Giant.
My Music Man.

I don't want to move on
Because I don't want to forget:
The first time you told me you loved me;
The way you made me laugh;
The trip to Woodstock and the little red hotel;
The music that used to fill our home each day;
How you never knew I used to sit and listen outside your door while you played;
And how that sound would fill me up and spill out in silent tears of joy
Because you were here
and you were mine.

I don't want to forget:
The way you looked in your tux;
The way you looked out of your tux;
How you would cook for me when I was sick;
How you would cook for me when I wasn't;
The night of peanut butter ice cream and Planet of the Apes;
The way we made love;
The way you would nestle into the blankets each night,
flipping and turning like a little chinchilla.
The little things that made me happy
because you were here
and you were mine.

So as much as it hurts my love...I don't want this pain to stop.
Because I don't want to forget you
I don't want to move on
The pain is all I have left of you...
All I have left of us...

My beautiful Music Man
My dear sweet Gentle Giant
My little chinchilla

I love you

A Return

I've reread much of what I've written here.
Some of it made me laugh,
some made me smile...
most left me sobbing.

Two years have passed since I've last written.
I'm not sure why I ever stopped.

I was happy for a while, then sad, then happy again.
Now I feel

empty

Right now I am gasping for air.
My chest has been ripped open and
all the good it housed is now pooled at my feet...
seeping slowly through the cracks in floorboards...
dripping into the darkness below me
beyond my ability to collect...and save.

I was a the sole life vest in our little raft
But even I...
sank.

Feeling out of sorts

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks, months even.

My grandfather passed away in early May, barely a year after my grandmother passed away last April.

I solved the school finance issue and re-enrolled in school to take my final seven classes only to have the option ripped out from under me again.

Various things at work - Being told I'm not assertive enough, I'm not energetic enough, I don't own my projects enough, and (the worst) I'm not executive enough for my roll as Executive Assistant.

The last few weeks have been a blur leading up to a major meltdown. Doc said...

Time For Meds

Been six days now and still feeling weird. Body aches, blurred vision, paranoia, insomnia, agitation, confusion. Finally feel myself 24 hours after each pill. Can literally feel the medicinal fog lifting, but then its time to dose again and start the process all over.