"I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
It's no secret that I struggle with Depression. I may not openly admit that I'm a loony fuck, but those in my life can tell when something isn't quite right. They witness the "real" me - the talkative perky bitch who will bug the shit out of you with girly nonsensical chatter, crazy laughter and too much silliness. I like this person. She makes me happy...probably because she is happy. But then there's this other me. The fearful Doubting Thomas, the one who counts imperfections on her bedroom ceiling, the one who curls up in a fetal position for days at a time, crying out for someone, anyone, to come and hold her, cradle her like a baby and rock her back and forth saying "It's all right...It's ok..." The scary thing is, in those moments - while I'm sobbing and an emotional wreck - I do find that comfort I need, however it's my own hand that caresses my cheek, my own voice drifting out of me in a raspy, almost soothing melody singing over and over and over "It's alright...It's ok...It's alright...it's ok."
"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?""
No, I'm not insane.Just depressed.
I call it cycling, or riding the wave. Some of my friends have probably heard me use the latter, for example:
"Hey Pooh, why so quite all of a sudden?"
"Oh, no reason. I just rode the wave."
"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best..." and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called"
For me "cycling" refers to the bigger picture. It encompasses a larger time frame, be it a week, a month, a year. It involves little waves of stress and depression which build upon each other, creating a weight on my shoulders that I struggle day in and day out to carry. And as the load gets heavier my soul becomes weary and tired until finally I just give out and crash. I may spend a day (recently I spent two) curled up in bed...unable to eat, unable to communicate, unable to do anything but feel. But after the crash, it's as if the weight of the world has lifted from me. My chest is light, I can breathe easier and it's as if nothing ever happened...until the cycle starts all over again.
"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day."
"Riding the wave" is a term I use to describe the mood shifts that I experience throughout the course of the day. I may be talking to a friend, feeling a bit elated and generally happy about life, then suddenly I can feel a dip in my mood that is honestly, very physical. Most often the sensation is nothing major - I have simply slipped from a state of excitement and contentment to a more mellowed state of presence...I’m here, only not. Make sense? (Probably not) It's not that I'm unhappy after riding a wave, but I’m also not Chatty-Cathy either, if you know what I mean. Do you? (probably not)
"It gets you nowhere if the other person's tail is only just in sight for the second half of the conversation."
So, the cycling has been happing faster for me. Pre-meds, I used to cycle and crash once every few months. Earlier this year though the cycling went to once a month, and most recently I've been crashing (and crashing hard) every two weeks. I tried seeing someone back in early March after a particularly nasty crash and was put on a medication that actually made matters worse so I stopped taking it.
"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."
Then, in early April my grandmother passed away. I knew this had affected me, I just didn't realize how much. Have you ever spent long periods of time feeling like your whole body was enveloped by a dense fog…you can see a few inches in front of your face but you can't really focus on the world around you? Well, that's been me – for three very long months, perhaps even longer but the last three have been the worst...the most trying...the most lonely...even with some great new friends and a pseudo live-in boyfriend.
"Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his Bear will always be playing."
And now, after last week’s crash, I realized it was time to start seeing someone again. I'm not afraid to admit it...I’m not skurd! (that's "country" for scared...my sister taught me that one). I met with her yesterday and was prescribed something new and with any luck, in two weeks I’ll either be normal again, or so fucking out of it I won’t give a damn what the world thinks about me! WooHoo.
But I hate the stigma that comes with depression and the people who say "Oh, just get over it already" "Pull yourself out of bed" "It's just a mood" "Going to the gym is all you need..."
"People who don't Think probably don't have Brains; rather, they have grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake."
These people obviously have never felt true clinical depression, or had a relative that they could witness going throught the cycling like I do. Because when it gets bad, when your limbs are weighted down by emotional mud and muck and the fog descends so thick and heavy you can't breathe...making you reach for a bottle of Jack and every pill bottle in the medicine cabinet, playing Shawn Mullins in the background over and over and over waiting for it all to hit and take you away...there is no coming back from that on your own.
"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."
Don't get this little chicky wrong...I am better. But I also want to STAY that way. So this step is probably the most responsible step I can take for myself...and my life.
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you."
~All quotes from Winnie-the-Pooh~
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